Redemption

For the last few days I have been testing out this theory, “emotional vulnerability is strength in character”

Before this I was one of those guys who never spoke out much about his emotions specifically about the sad things and also the happy things, “annoyingly happy” someone said to me. When I started this “test” I found some curious things.

I have these reflexes ready when someone would ask me how I was, I would always say I was awesome, fine, great. And then I would go on talking about people’s emotions instead giving them a place to cantharise, and well that turned out great, till the point when things get intense, and you need to show that yes you too can feel certain things. I was so used to deflecting the emotions that I would objectively see the emotions clearly directed at me to react. The result was, I was always this character who was always afloat, never minding sorrows, guilt, repulsion or jealousy and never taking a dive, let alone drown.

I always chose my emotions to any given situations; this degree of emotional control is a perverseness. And in short, I had no attachments, no emotional investment which came from trusting others, what I had was an overall faith in human beings but when it came to individuals, it was difficult, I did not see an individual as a person but as a part of the whole “architecture” of their character in this whole system of human communication and interaction. And here I was, observing, never touching, caressing, truly feeling. But I was great at predicting! Definitely not a very human trait! It was monstrous to be how I was and now that I deliberately feel that monstrosity I realize how much it had taken away from me.

I was sad, that I wasn’t sad, it was sad that I could control my emotions so perfectly, or disguise them as someone else would think me doing and lift myself above any kind of interaction that required actually feeling.

What I was being was an optimistic snob! But I thought myself an idealist, and a fighter, I fought the emotions that dragged me down, and emerged victorious, but this victory over the self had defeated me. I was not only lying to everyone else, but to myself, and I didn’t realize that!

I was so blind in-fact that this feeling of being almost like a ghost, a subtle being who did not weigh on the world, steps light as feathers, refused to accept the very fact this all indicated! I was lonesome and afraid of attachments! And so I distracted myself with philosophies, ideals, intellectual opiate! Not that I did not believe in them anymore, but unless I emotionally invested in them they were just useless and their only use was that of winning an argument.

I am sure some of you have felt this lightness of being. So I tested it out, “Being Vulnerable”. Because I had forgotten how it felt to actually feel things, I was deliberately feeling things. I started letting the insides react with the outsides.

The result was, after a long long time in my life, I started existing! My emotions amounted to something more than a thought. I found that indeed language which was “reasoning” was just an obstacle and not a means to communicate about what we felt. I mean a hug is more important than all the words in the world, a nudge of kindness in the shoulder can help more than entire book on reasoning with the sad thought.

The problem is, I felt horrible at first with the raging emotions of sadness, emptiness, loneliness, things I had locked up for so long. But when they began to merge with me, my being, as I became more patient and let them become flow freely as a part of me, I saw the change around me in everything, everywhere with everyone.

First the untamed emotions locked up came rushing, knocking me off my feet. Then came the pure joy that can be felt in the possession of them, of letting them destroy your security of “understanding” them and letting you feel them.

What really interested me was the memories. Turns out, when we lock certain emotions up, our bodies and our minds perhaps lose their impressions on them, so all the memories linked to them disappear, so we lose the memories attached to those emotions. So if I cannot feel happy, I will not have much memories of happiness, if I forget being sad, my life will be incomplete too, I will forget the memories related to my sad state. And so I learned that emotions are like doors leading to all respective memories. And if we keep on locking up the rooms, the key will rust or be lost and the doors might never open again.

Slowly the memories started to come back, memories related to feeling sad, guilty, vengeful, jealous those were interesting! Then I found myself also rejoicing to the fullest I never realize that we are like Sisyphus, and our emotions were like the stone, to roll back the stone up the hill the stone needs to fall down, I needed to feel vulnerable, and this act of deliberately teaching myself to feel it had given me back eternal punishment and beautiful passions. For me, if there is a wisdom, in living by an ideal, the ideal must come from the exploration of the feelings.

I think it was Khalil Gibran who said, “Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.”