I always wanted to be a writer

I don't have to be a good one

I am practicing my craft and I know I am nowhere near perfect. I want to be a writer who is fluent and who flows. I want it to be effortless. Perhaps that's the reason I struggle so much and I rather end up writing a big rant instead of a planned craft. This continued work towards fluency kind of seeps into my mind, like yesterday night I actually had an astounding dream with a wonderful plot for a novel. So I guess this is working.

The human brain is the result of at least 4.5 billion years of evolution. The brain is the most powerful thing in the universe. Our brains are definitely smarter than us. So why do we think that our goals will not come to fruition if we latched on to them and keep working on them? Our brains know what we want. And our brains can figure out the process, all it needs is time, commitment and practice. I think fluency, as well as the muse, will come with the sheer volume of work that needs to be done. I think I am finally ready to work for it.

I was always looking for a way out of the hard work because I was always disappointed with the smallest things. And I am extremely bipolar, I have a universe of emotions inside of me that fluctuate with the weather the time, the place, the people, and whatnot. I am too emotional sometimes and that is why it sometimes becomes too hard for me to focus on the task at hand. I get overwhelmed so much so that I have powerful visions gripping my reality.

Whenever I read something I wrote, I despised it. Because I was a picky reader and meant that I was extremely hard on myself. So I looked for excuses to not write and push away the single most important thing that I love. I told myself I needed more experience, I needed inspiration , my voice needs to be more down to earth, my content needs to be more from the views of so many people that I didn't understand yet, it needed to speak about the emotions that are felt expressed in different places cultures etc etc etc my goal was to write about things that touch, instead of things would be about me. And so I stopped doing the one thing I loved. And I thought maybe if I push love away far enough it will come back to me in a more mature form? Or at a form when I could bear with it.

But here is the thing,

Practice makes perfect. But it doesn't need to be perfect too to be honest. I would rather say practice strips away our ego attached to it. I found out in a weird way. I started painting. And I am very-very bad at painting, well that's what I thought, shapes weren't my thing but I loved colours and I realise I was just being so hard on myself. As I did my god knows how many hundreds of painting I realised I was actually getting good at it. And now I think I am quite good at it also much so people actually offered me to buy them as NFTs.

There is a learning curve to everything. There is a learning curve to getting your voice back too. And that comes by constantly writing. And working on the craft. Reading and more reading. I am so much interested in so many things and I think my writing will reflect that more or less. But I think my goal has always been to write novels.

Failure and loss taught me a lot of things. I guess I knew I had to make those sacrifices to come to this at the back of my mind. Now I take myself seriously, my craft more seriously. I promised myself one piece a day. And so far I have largely been successful.

I guess the incredible sacrifices I have made trying to avoid it just made things worse. I don't need a persona, I can just write as it flows. After so much loss I think I know that I don't need to be worth it. I know it makes no sense. It does not need to. This is a deeply personal rant and I guess it even pains me to write it.

All things take time. Developing your voice as a writer means you are tuning to listen to yourself to listen clearly. But to cut through all the bullshit takes a lot of effort. Especially in this day and age of social media. We are fed so much without even asking for any of it. It really boggles my mind to see how much we are actually letting other people walk with their dirty feet in our mind as Gandhi would have said.